The Pure Stupidity of This Article…

The following article just showed up on my news feed, and I thought it was a satirical piece, but no, it is real, and it is really really BAD. Follow these instructions:

  1. Click here to get misinformed!
  2. Prepare to boldly go where no real fitness enthusiast should go for information
  3. Now do this:

Okay, now that you have removed your hand from you face, let me breakdown this article and explain why foam rolling will not get rid of your cellulite, and point out some other comical flaws of this article. I am not going to discuss how to get rid of cellulite, that will be for another time… maybe ๐Ÿ™‚

According to WebMD: …cellulite is nothing more than normal fat beneath the skin. The fat appears bumpy because it pushes against connective tissue, causing the skin above it to pucker.

It is actually just a scary sounding term, invented in the early 1920’s and popularized first in the 1960’s, for subcutaneous fat that marketers of beauty products use to make women think they are plagued with some sort of disease.

A lot of people have cellulite. You don’t have to be overweight to have some show up somewhere on your body, especially in the hips and thighs when you are sitting down and you skin is getting pushed up. There are a ton of factors that lead to people having MORE cellulite than others, and those all revolve around lack of exercise and improper food choices which lead to fat gain.

What is Foam Rolling? Also known as self myofascial release, foam rolling is used to reduce soft tissue tension in the muscles and through forms of inhibition of the central nervous system through different stretch receptors located within the muscles. This can help the muscles relax, and lead to improved range of motion, less soreness/tightness, corrections of muscle imbalances, and some other cool muscular benefits. However, rolling out fat cells like Grandma’s cookie dough isn’t one of those benefits.

Where this article goes bad:

Slide 3: Hamstring Rolling.. .”What it does: Breaks down and smooths tight, thick, and congested areas of the upper legs”.

What is this congestion you speak of? Yes, it can help “break down” tight areas, but there is no congestion going on, unless you have venous return issues and in this case, should not be rolling those areas!

Congestion…Just Roll It

 

Slide 4: Hip Rolling…”What it does: Narrows your hips by reducing fluid retention and smoothing out thickness in the connective tissue”

If you have fluid retention that is this noticeable in your hips, please contact your local dialysis center, because your kidneys aren’t functioning properly. Secondly, the possibility that one can”smooth out the thickness in connective tissue” from a foam roller is hilarious in itself, as if this was the case, we would all be walking around with divots and unnatural grooves in our legs and backs from “too much” smoothing out.

Toxins! Quick, Get to the Triceps!

Slide 5: The Sleek Arms Roll…”What it does: Helps reduce upper-arm jiggle and increases tone in your triceps by stimulating lymph nodes in your armpits to flush out built-up toxins”.

The upper arm jiggle is from one of two things: more fat cells than muscle (hit some close grip pushups and dips, NOW!) or excess skin – NOT built up toxins. “Toxins” don’t magically build up in your triceps, or we would all have really sore arms the morning after celebrating a night on the town.

Slide 6: The Can-Can Tush Roll (laughing while writing this one)…”What it does: Reduces tissue thickness in your buttocks”

No, no, no! You can’t just magically roll away thickness. End of story. And anyways, are thicker rear-ends the “hot” trend right now anyways? This is so absurd, I can’t take it anymore. Now, if I could just foam roll away this little layer of fat on my stomach…

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Sir Mix A Lot: Not a fan of this article…

 

 

 

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